Just peaceful

You know those days when it’s just a peaceful, quiet day? You have time to just sit and soak in God’s presence…to blog and journal and spend time with Him…and enjoy some alone time? This time is so sweet for me. I need it. It’s been a long week. A good, fun-filled week. But very full and I can definitely say I’m in need of some rest. This week has been filled with fun family time, little-league football games, girls nights, birthday celebrations, and lots and lots of church and some serious seeking God time. But it is at the same time stressful and draining. Trying to make it all, enjoy it all, and be myself and find time for myself in the middle of it all. I really enjoy my friends and family…they rejuvenate me…but I think I tend to run myself dry and I don’t just let myself relax and take it easy. I usually end up needing some alone time to truly recharge my battery 🙂 I am constantly distracted and while I want to rest, it’s almost like I can’t, because I keep wanting to do things. I need to learn how to sit. JUST sit. And let God COME. I want it desperately. I yearn to be filled with more and more of Him, His Holy Spirit, His love, His peace, His joy so I can spread it to everyone I’m around. It’s a constant work-in-progress, I suppose!

AND, I’m working on not worrying about being perfect. Especially when it comes to my writing and blogging and just doing life…I am a perfectionist in many ways. It’s just normal for a first born 🙂 God’s helped me along my life journey to become much more easy-going and uber-flexible with most things, but I think when it comes to my writing it is much harder for me, since I want everything to be perfect right away. That will flow into my words and thoughts, too. And so…I think in some ways that hinders my communication with the Holy Spirit, because I over-think and second-guess a ton of things that I shouldn’t. Hearing God’s voice, following His leading, trusting Him right away and not after a long time of testing Him, etc etc. I hope that makes sense. These are just some of my musings…I really process things so much better when I write them down.

Lucky you, you get to read these rambling thoughts. I bet you’re SO unbelievably excited, huh? Haha! I DO appreciate you reading this though. I appreciate ALL of you…you make my life amazing!

Look for my next blog in a couple weeks…after I get back from my trip to Hawaii! 🙂

A little rawness

[I’m feeling a little raw today. So I thought I’d be real with you.]

I am fully human. I go through periods of anxiety, of wondering what’s next, of always waiting for something. These times of waiting are usually (eventually) followed by a period of peace, of being okay with the “right now,” being fully in the moment, realizing that life is too precious to waste a second of it. But other times it seems like it all goes together and I don’t know what I think anymore—all these things get muddled up/mixed together in my brain and I’m left wondering if I really have the ability to think straight, or if this happens to everyone (because no one talks about it!). But through it all, it’s SO good to know I have a God who understands me better than I understand myself! He is my hope! He is fully aware of my feelings and knows exactly where I’m at in this very moment—today—and He has a plan for me. I know it’s better than anything I could dream up. But why, oh why, is it so hard to wait? I’m so sick of waiting.

I’ve realized lately—why do we always wish our lives away? Why are we always, without fail, waiting for something? For what’s next. Why is it so hard to just BE?
You’re a kid and you wish you were a grown up. You can’t wait to turn 12, then it’s 16, then 18, then 21, then 25, then all of the sudden you wonder where the time went.
You can’t wait until you can drive. Then it’s college. Internship. Your first “real” job. The day you finally start dating “the one.” That first kiss. That engagement ring. The wedding day. The honeymoon. That 1^st child. That big vacation. The huge promotion. Retirement. Then you’re left wondering what happened. How did all of that life go by so fast?

Maybe it’s so hard to be content because we know we’re made for something greater than who we are and what we’re doing right now. I know I just want to jump leaps and bounds to be this incredible, selfless, always joyful and happy, hour-long-devo-in-the-morning, glass-is-half-full type of person that I want to be. Key word: want. I might portray that to you every once in a while, by God’s grace, but it is truly Him at work in me and nothing of me, at all, because as a human, my selfishness and cynicism and frustrations and anxieties very often take over before I have time to realize what has happened.

There’s so much more to life! To being fully alive through Christ, because He made me to be ME. He made me to be fully present, right now. I know I will keep failing, but I will keep trying, keep placing my focus back on God, keep surrendering to Him. I can’t do this on my own. None of us can. Only through Him who gives us strength can we truly be all He has called us to be! That takes time. I know it’s natural to wonder. God didn’t make us with brains that know it all. We’re constantly learning and adapting. But God is good. He made us for greater than we could ever see ourselves being. Perhaps that’s why I can sense the calling to be greater, but I have no idea how to get there. Because the only way is through God. He has the PERFECT timing, though. Maybe I need to learn how to be okay with wanting and waiting, and how to sit still and just soak up God’s presence even then. Even if I do feel otherwise. Feelings are not always trustworthy, but God does use them.

[That was a lot of jumbled-up rawness…hope you could make sense some of it!]