I used to be a girl who didn’t cry very often. In fact, it was extremely rare. I just couldn’t. No matter how much I’d want to or how hard I’d try. I’d get huge headaches from all the emotion that I couldn’t release. It is frustrating, to be a girl and not be able to cry at all.
Now, I’m not saying I’m a crybaby now…or even overly emotional, because that’s not me…but God is slowly softening me. He’s still working on me. It’s been a long process, and one that I welcome and have asked for many times over the years.
I used to think something was wrong with me. How is it possible to not feel emotion? I mean, I’d have trouble being excited about friends getting engaged, or someone getting healed, or something cool happening at any point. I still struggle with this at times, but it’s been getting better, praise God!
Lately, little things have been making my eyes water “mysteriously,” and at work, no less! All I have to do is read one of the many stories of starvation and the horrible famine happening in the horn of Africa (speaking of which, here are some ways to help), and voila—tears. All I have to do is read a blog on how the Holy Spirit is working through people today (like on the World Race)—and there you have it. My eyes are suspiciously watery. And…to get tears dripping down my face, just throw me into worship and…guess what? I can’t help it anymore. Last week we had a leaders’ meeting at church. When the leaders are gathered, the worship is one-of-a-kind, precious, intense, and Holy-Spirit-led. Everyone goes all in. It is completely un-doing, and it completely un-did me. I couldn’t stop crying. I would finally get dry-eyed at the beginning of the next song…but very quickly lose it again. And then comes the prayer. Oh, there I go again. And this past Sunday? Same deal. Seriously! And don’t get me started on the baptisms at our church picnic. Wow! (If you’re wondering, yes…I did cry ;-))
There’s no denying the feeling of the Holy Spirit. It’s incredible, overwhelming, and wow, even as I’m writing this, my eyes are getting misty. Seriously…I think God is working a miracle in me. Actually allowing me to release and feel emotion! Hallelujah! I’ve dealt with very little feeling and emotion and excitement for years, and now after years of asking for God to heal me and help me in this area, He’s slowly answering my prayer. It’s legit. I believe it. And I thank Him and praise Him!
I will probably be a blubbering mess by this time next year (who knows, haha!) but I welcome it. I want to feel God’s presence…feel the Holy Spirit at work within me and around me and in others! I want to be able to express real excitement instead of something akin to an excited reaction that I know I’m supposed to give. God is good.
There’s so much more I’m waiting for. Asking for. Believing for. But I don’t want it to be all about me. It’s all about GOD. He is unbelievably good. He is real. He is living. He is active. He heals. He restores. He gives grace, He grants peace, He gets us. Wow. Just wow.
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