Confliction

What do you do when your life starts moving in a new, exciting, heart-pounding direction that you’ve been trying to get to for a long time now, yet when it actually starts happening, you’re frozen in your tracks and all of the sudden you aren’t sure at all of what to do, how to react, how to feel, etc? Nothing is bright and shiny, although it should be. Or maybe a better way to say it is I know that God’s behind it, so I think I should be really excited about it, yet something feels very vulnerable, very unworthy, very inadequate, very non-committal, very timid and unsure. I mean, seriously? Shouldn’t I be head over heels excited? Jumping through the roof thrilled? Yet my emotions feel broken. I’ve always struggled with this, and it feels even more of a struggle now that my dreams are peeking over the horizon and I’m stuck…I’ve forced myself to move forward because I know this is what God wants of me…but how is it that I still can remain so emotionless? Does anyone else struggle with this? It’s like my brain and body are going through the motions for my heart, because my heart has been dreaming of this for so long that now that it is close to becoming reality, it can’t move forward…it’s stuck in place, yearning to get out, yet maybe not knowing exactly how. It gets released tiny bit by tiny bit, but it’s nothing like how I think I should feel. Maybe that’s the point. I can’t let my life be run by emotions, but only by what the Holy Spirit tells me…what God shows me to be the next step…and maybe, just maybe, I will always feel like this to an extent. Stuck inside, yet moving forward anyway, because the emotion, the thrill and excitement, will come later and overtake the blah-ness.

Through it all, God is good. I KNOW this…but it is so hard when you don’t feel it.